F.A.Q. (2005.09.15)

Q: How is Cadwallader able to get signal for his wireless device in the middle of the desert in "A Uniquely Bad Situation"?

A: All of Cadwallader's gadgets are powered by the blood of Christ.

Q: Has anyone ever told you you look like Bam?

A: Why no...

Q: Do people really ask these questions?

A: The President has already answered that question, and I am not going to parse his statement further. Next question.

Q: What is the 23-track mix album mentioned in "Today's Wonderiffic Comic Strip"?

23     01 Dave Matthews Band Dancing Nancies 02 Michael Manring Welcoming 03 Built to Spill Strange 04 The Knife Heartbeats 05 Jem They 06 No Doubt Spiderwebs 07 Raymond Scott The Wild Piece (a.k.a. String Piece) 08 Eno Baby's on Fire 09 Orchestra Baobab Bul Ma Min 10 Lederhosen Lucil Semi-Sweet 11 The Fiery Furnaces Blueberry Boat 12 They Might Be Giants Am I Awake? 13 Kim & Buran New Years Party by Toptygin (live) 14 Margo Guryan Sunday Morning 15 The Beach Boys Steamboat 16 Talking Heads Life During Wartime 17 The Postal Service Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now) 18 Merrill Bainbridge Mouth 19 Fridge Cut Up Piano and Xylophone 20 ABBA Waterloo 21 Peter Gabriel I Have the Touch [Shaking the Tree version] 22 The Costello Show Little Palaces 23 Swirlies Pancake Cleaner A: It's called 23, and it's an all-star salute to the state of being 23 years old. Actually, it's basically an excuse to compile a bunch of songs I especially liked as of June 2005. You can assemble this collection at home with a grownup's help by legally purchasing each of the original CDs from a fine, RIAA-compliant retailer such as Sam Goody or Starbucks, where they'll probably cost $18.99 each. I wouldn't know. I got all this music for free by praying really hard to an impersonal, materialistic Elder God named PREMIUM DISCOUNT OFFERS DOT BIZ. In the astronomically unlikely event that you make your own copy and burn it to two audio CDs, please note that disc one ends with the Fiery Furnaces and disc two begins with They Might Be Giants. That's important.

Q: Are the dreams in the Dream Journal real or are they made up?

A: Oh, they're real...and they're spectacular. But sometimes names are changed (or omitted) to protect the innocent, and if a scene involving bodily fluids goes on for a long time, I'll usually trim it.. This is a family website, after all. And if I can't exactly remember or understand what was supposed to be happening in a given scene, I will guess, or offer the explanation that makes the most sense to me. I think that's fair, don't you? Well fuck you then.

Q: What would years of expensive therapy reveal?

A: Zoobilee Zoo.